Go Pick a Switch

I really hate disciplining my kids. I really don't like having to think about what the appropriate discipline is. I don't like to see them cry and be upset. I don't like having to deal with them during their grounded time. And I feel like I end up as much grounded as them, and maybe even more.

Growing up I didn't get disciplined much. But then I didn't really do a whole lot to be disciplined for. I remember my mom threatening sometimes. When I was little that meant pulling the string with the attached ball off of those cheap paddle ball toys. But I don't ever remember being spanked. The most clear recollections I have was when I was a teenager and I would lose phone privileges (that's landline phone, with a cord, for those of you who don't remember...). Oh, and that one time, when I was 11 and I shoplifted something from a store. I was grounded for a year. Yep, you read that right: a YEAR.

Now that I have kids of my own, I have expectations. And I think I clearly communicate those expectations. And I don't think they're unfair. And I do expect that they will be met. My wish, if I got those, would be that I would never have to discipline them at all. That they would understand why I set the expectations that I do, and that they would follow my rules.

Do I think that's realistic? No. But we're talking about wishes here people.

I think one of the parts of trying to create decent human beings that I struggle with the most is the appropriate punishment for the crime. I've known people who have gotten all kinds of different punishments. My dad would tell stories of he and his brothers lying over his parent's bed waiting for the belt. I had a friend that, when his kids would act up, he would recall his own childhood, "Go pick a switch. And it better be a good one or it will be worse," his Momma would say. And then I had friends that could get away with murder, and consequently let their children do the same.

So what punishment do you pick?

When the kids were little, Brandon and I would send them to their rooms so that we could calm down, and collectively decide on a punishment. We were die hard in our efforts to be consistent and to present a united front. Today is no different (well, sometimes we yell. Sometimes, when your kid has made such a stupid mistake that you are completely flabbergasted, you yell. You might yell something at her like, "What the fuck were you thinking!?!?!" And then walk to the other room to cry.) even though we are co-parenting in different households now.

Ultimately, even if there was some yelling, we try to sit down and have an honest dialogue. We try to help the kids see our point of view. To help them understand where we are coming from. Maybe why we were so mad. And we always, always tell them that we love them. And we care about them. And that we worry about them. And we just want the best for them.

Some people might be shocked to have witnessed our most recent conversations regarding discipline. Sitting at the dining room table are me, Brandon, Mike and Lilly. Because we are mature adults. And all of us have a stake in this. And all of us have an interest in seeing the kids succeed.

We turned it over to her. We asked her what she thought we needed to do to help her be successful in making good decisions, and improving her judgement. We brainstormed ideas of goals - each of our goals FOR her, and her goals for herself - over the next three years. We talked about how, if those goals are important, then every decision, no matter how critical or insignificant, should be run through a quick question: does the decision I think I'm going to make get me closer to my goals? If the answer is no, then it's not the right decision.

This isn't a concept reserved exclusively for kids. I don't know many adults that wouldn't benefit from applying this same process to their own lives - mine included.  The point is, discipline for the sake of discipline is rarely effective. I should know. A generous portion of my time is spent with "big" kids, who have found themselves in a situation as a result of poor decision making, where I am battling with their employer over the appropriate level of discipline. The thing is, when you simply punish a person (kid or adult), a smack on the ass or a couple days off work, won't fix the problem. It takes a comprehensive review of the root cause of the poor decision in the first place, and a discussion WITH the person's input, to develop a plan to grow and change so that they don't end up in the same position again.

There is no perfect disciplinary recipe book. If there is, I've never seen it. Like the rest of parenting, we'll just continue to stumble through, screwing them up in our own particular way.

What's in a Song?

Back in October I was listening to one of my favorite Podcasts, The Happiness Project, with Gretchen Rubin. The discussion on this day was picking your “Happiness 911” song. As I sat in the 3 hour commute to work, I listened to Gretchen and her sister, and fans, talk about their go-to song when they need a pick-me-up. A Happiness 911 song is a song that gives a little boost - a jumpstart to a better mood, a swing on the pendulum from negative to positive, a ditty that always brings a smile to your face, no matter the difficulties of the day.

I (illegally) started going through my Spotify saves and creating my Happiness 911 playlist. (It’s a 3 hour commute to go 65 miles – give me a break! I think my speedometer read 3mph!) The discussion resonated with me. Because, while I drive a lot, I usually listen to NPR. Or a podcast. Or I’m on the phone with members. Even when I work from home I often sit in silence all day long. No music, no background noise. I don’t know why. The silence just doesn’t bother me. 

Frankly I’m usually too busy to think about turning some music on. And in the car, which is sometimes the only time in my day I get to enjoy any entertainment, I feel like I should be using my time wisely; I should be listening to something to increases my knowledge base, keeps me up to date with what is going on with the world, etc. But music is inspiring. And can absolutely alter a mood. So I pledged to myself that I would spend the following day listening to the songs I chose to be on my Happiness 911 playlist.

My Happy Songs

And then, the next day, work sucked and I was really upset. Really pissed. Really angry. Really incredulous. And I turned on my Happiness 911 playlist. Except I did NOT want to listen to that. No, I wanted to completely surround myself in that anger – just wallow in it. So I picked a different song. And I rocked the fuck out to it. And then I came across another. And then another.

Finally it occurred to me: while a Happiness 911 playlist is an awesome idea (and I listen to mine often. IT WORKS!) Sometimes, just sometimes, you need angry music. I had an innate NEED to lash out, yell a bit, and get some things off my chest (even if it was just to Siri). Sometimes you’ve got to get the aggression out. And music can do that for you too. So I created a new playlist: “Illegitimi non carborundum.”

This phrase came to me by my mentor, my Mr. Miagi, my Dumbledore. He sent it to me that day (after I was whining at him about my experience). Loosely translated it means, “Don’t let the bastards grind you down.” It was prophetic. And perfectly timed. And I love it so much it will be my next tattoo.

Don't Let the Bastards Grind You Down

The value of that podcast has been immeasurable for me. It reminds me to enjoy myself every now and then. It’s great to learn new things – and to listen to the news – but it is equally important to just emote sometimes. And music is the perfect vessel for that. 

A Reader Lives a Thousand Lives

When I was a little girl my Momma never went anywhere without a book. Some mass market paperback version of the new Stephen King, or Dean Koontz was always tucked in her purse. She bestowed a love of reading on to me at such an early age.

I poured through books as an elementary school kid. I even won a contest in 1^st grade for reading 100 books in one school year! As I became a teenager, when the phone and eventually “hanging out” took over my life, while I would pick up a book now and then, I rarely read past the requirements of my English classes. In college it was even worse. Who the hell has time to read for pleasure in college?!?! When you show up on the first day, listen to lecture, and in your first class are assigned 9 chapters……before TOMORROW? Yeah, no escaping into a love story tonight! (This implies that I always read the material for my class the next day. Sometimes I would – if something better didn’t come along. I mean when your neighbor is having a get-together, you can’t not show, can you?)

After college I would read books every now and then. But I got out of college and had a baby. Ya know, there should be a billboard in front of every high school about babies: Sleep too much? Too much time on your hands? Think about yourself too much? Desire financial responsibility for the rest of your life? Too much time NOT cleaning up bodily fluids? HAVE A BABY! As the kids got older, and would ACTUALLY go to bed at a decent hour, I did read progressively more, but I’ve always been a busybody and have always had too many irons in the fire. For me time has always been like alcohol to an alcoholic, as soon as I have a little bit, I promptly consume it.

When I started the work I’m doing now, all time for books went out the window. I found myself working increasingly more hours and, when I would have time for a book, I was reading contracts, or books on negotiation techniques. I obsess. And, when I find something to obsess over, I go all in. There’s no obsession I work at half ass. If I’ve decided it’s worth doing, it’s worth doing RIGHT.

Now, as I am older, and my kids prefer video games and smart phones to my presence, I find myself with a little more time. Or at least I am attempting to make a little more time in my life. It has become clear to me that the life of obsession, over only one thing, is unsustainable. And so I’m diversifying my obsessions.

Lucky for me, Mikey shares many of these traits. And our obsessions are very similar in so many ways. We recently sat down before the end of the year and brainstormed a list of things we’d like to do in the upcoming year. Over half or more of the things on my list and his matched. One of them was “Read more books.”

In the last six months or so, we find ourselves particularly enjoying spending hours at the thrift store searching through books. For us, owning books seems something akin to collecting antiques. Eventually we figure a book, written on paper, and bound in such an artistic way, will be a thing of the past. And we just aren’t ready to let go of that past. Whether they ever are worth anything? I don’t know, and frankly I don’t care. I love a good book collection – always have. And so we are building ours.

The thing is though, we love books so much, and are interested in so much, that there are times we walk out of there with 2 paper bags full of books. Since we’ve done this a few times now, we talked about limiting ourselves to a weekly trip, with a preset amount to spend: $13.05. That is the price of 5 books (if they are on the high end of the pricing scale). We decided that we will shop as usual and if the combination of the books in our hands at the end of our trip is greater than 5, we will have to start bargaining over which ones to put back. (Fortunate for me that I negotiate for a living – however he’s pretty. damn. good.)

Yesterday, after we hit the gym, we wandered over to see what we could find. Funny, when you’ve bought a hundred books in the last month you’d think there’s nothing left to want to buy. WRONG! We left a couple on the shelf (with no real bickering) and brought 5 home.

And I can’t wait to go back! It could be worse...at least this latest obsession is fairly inexpensive. And we're making reading time a priority - I've already read 3 books in the last 2 weeks!

I'm in Boston!

When we landed tonight here at Logan International it was already dark or I would've taken a picture. Believe me there will be more to come. We were met at the airport by the Director of the Harvard Trade Union Program with no hiccups at all. And let me tell you, she is hilarious. I knew I liked her when we were stuck behind some idiot who couldn't figure out how to get out of the airport parking lot (hello, very good signage above!) and her response was, "Well for fucks sake!"

Spent the evening grabbing a bit to eat with the brothers that are here from Local 77 and a new compatriot from the UK (originally from Scotland). And, because I'm anal, I cleaned out all of my suitcases, hung everything up and distributed my stuff into the drawers and into the bathroom....and I may have made at least one list :)

I can't wait to see what tomorrow brings. Registration and welcome dinner in store for tomorrow. Think I'll probably hit the grocery store and pick up some things to cook....although the restaurants around here all look intriguing.

I was so sad to leave this morning. It was everything I could do not to cry leaving my little ones and the hubs. But I figured it out and there's only 19 days until I get to see them HERE in Boston! I miss them terribly already but I am also super excited!

My form of schizophrenia

I do not claim to know what it's like to have schizophrenia. I have studied schizophrenia when I was working on my psychology degree and I understand the way it supposedly works. I can't imagine actually having to deal with the disease every day, all day. I have friends who have ADHD, and others who have children that are diagnosed with it. I've known people who have bipolar disorder and when they were manic it was kind of crazy. Again, I can read what these things can do to a person but I don't REALLY know what it's like.  I do, however, often call what I DO have, which is clinically undiagnosed, my own sort of schizophrenia/ADD/mania.

I don't turn off. My mind is always going. I have a hard time devoting full focus to one thing. As I type this I am watching a TV show, checking my phone and thinking about the information I need to pass on to my replacement at work while I'm gone. I know that "they" say that women are naturally better multi-taskers, but this is ridiculous. When I lay down at night I literally MUST read. It's the only thing that distracts my attention away from the thoughts that spin and swirl through my mind enough to try to induce sleep. When I'm awake, I'm constantly writing lists. Metaphorically it feels like if I write it down on paper I can remove it from my mind. And it does help.....until I start thinking about making lists on how to organize my lists. I have formal lists that I've typed up and I have scraps of paper/napkins/receipts with random things scribbled on them. I'm obsessed with buying cute notepads that are meant for lists - grocery, to-do, to buy, etc. - but I'm just as happy to write a list on the side of a gum wrapper.


I purposely left this blurry. I'm willing to admit my problem, you don't need to see the specifics :)

Seriously, these are just the ones I had laying around right by me that I could quick take a snapshot of. These are everywhere. And now that I have a more demanding job, with much more to keep track of, they've increased exponentially.

I'm writing about this right now because it's been at the forefront of my mind since I've been planning for this long trip I'm taking. I have so much to do; so much to get prepared for. I've created SO many lists. Sleeping has been rough. Reading hasn't been doing to the trick. Even texting myself the stuff on my mind in the middle of the night isn't always working (when I was in college they called this "brain-dumping").

The hubs has no idea what this affliction is like. (And subsequently I have no idea what it's like to get in bed, turn off the light, and fall asleep. Period. Like no time between head hitting the pillow and dreamland. What is up with that?) We talked the other night about what it would be like to be able to spend time in someone else's body - like "Being John Malcovich" - so we could see what it's like to be the other person. I don't know if I'd really want to know. Perhaps it would make me even more jealous?

So I have some form of schizophrenia. Or ADHD. And OCD. I don't know. I guess I will just keep doing what works for me until I get sent to the insane asylum.

Does anyone else share my affliction?