My form of schizophrenia

I do not claim to know what it's like to have schizophrenia. I have studied schizophrenia when I was working on my psychology degree and I understand the way it supposedly works. I can't imagine actually having to deal with the disease every day, all day. I have friends who have ADHD, and others who have children that are diagnosed with it. I've known people who have bipolar disorder and when they were manic it was kind of crazy. Again, I can read what these things can do to a person but I don't REALLY know what it's like.  I do, however, often call what I DO have, which is clinically undiagnosed, my own sort of schizophrenia/ADD/mania.

I don't turn off. My mind is always going. I have a hard time devoting full focus to one thing. As I type this I am watching a TV show, checking my phone and thinking about the information I need to pass on to my replacement at work while I'm gone. I know that "they" say that women are naturally better multi-taskers, but this is ridiculous. When I lay down at night I literally MUST read. It's the only thing that distracts my attention away from the thoughts that spin and swirl through my mind enough to try to induce sleep. When I'm awake, I'm constantly writing lists. Metaphorically it feels like if I write it down on paper I can remove it from my mind. And it does help.....until I start thinking about making lists on how to organize my lists. I have formal lists that I've typed up and I have scraps of paper/napkins/receipts with random things scribbled on them. I'm obsessed with buying cute notepads that are meant for lists - grocery, to-do, to buy, etc. - but I'm just as happy to write a list on the side of a gum wrapper.


I purposely left this blurry. I'm willing to admit my problem, you don't need to see the specifics :)

Seriously, these are just the ones I had laying around right by me that I could quick take a snapshot of. These are everywhere. And now that I have a more demanding job, with much more to keep track of, they've increased exponentially.

I'm writing about this right now because it's been at the forefront of my mind since I've been planning for this long trip I'm taking. I have so much to do; so much to get prepared for. I've created SO many lists. Sleeping has been rough. Reading hasn't been doing to the trick. Even texting myself the stuff on my mind in the middle of the night isn't always working (when I was in college they called this "brain-dumping").

The hubs has no idea what this affliction is like. (And subsequently I have no idea what it's like to get in bed, turn off the light, and fall asleep. Period. Like no time between head hitting the pillow and dreamland. What is up with that?) We talked the other night about what it would be like to be able to spend time in someone else's body - like "Being John Malcovich" - so we could see what it's like to be the other person. I don't know if I'd really want to know. Perhaps it would make me even more jealous?

So I have some form of schizophrenia. Or ADHD. And OCD. I don't know. I guess I will just keep doing what works for me until I get sent to the insane asylum.

Does anyone else share my affliction?

Here I go again

Every year I say that I am going to be better about blogging and every year I make it just a little bit further into the year. In 2013 I made it through to March and then I quit. Life got in the way, work got in the way and sometimes I was just being lazy or didn't feel like I had anything to say. And so, here I am again, with renewed ambition. We all have things that help us ease stress and induce calm. Writing does that for me - even if it's just talking about some new recipe I tried. Refocusing my energy away from work (especially now that I have a newer, more intense job) and towards something else is always refreshing and relaxing....and my family will tell you if it's one thing I need to do it's relax.

I know that it's not quite the new year, but I thought maybe I would start now. I'm really only two days away anyway. And I'm totally stressing out about the next 6 days. In 6 days I am flying to Boston where I will be staying for 6 weeks! I'm worried about leaving my work behind, I'm worried I'm not going to pack the right stuff, I'm worried about the unknown that will meet me in Cambridge, I'm worried that I'm going to miss my husband and kids so terribly that I'm going to be miserable, I'm worried about making friends, and on and on and on.

I'm working on quelling some of my fears. I've already written list after list after list for packing. And, if you follow me on Pinterest, you'll know that I've been compiling outfits that are inter-related so that I can maximize pairing different things together. I've done my best to get things taken care of at work ahead of time but I am still leaving in the middle of contract negotiations with a sensitive group that has already been through a lot.

 Mostly, the main root of my fears is that I feel selfish for pursuing this schooling (at Harvard! Did I mention that?) at the expense of the hubs and my kids. I'm going to miss my daughter's birthday. I'm going to miss countless wrestling matches and basketball games. I know they'll be ok and can make it without me, but I work hard to make sure our family life runs smoothly. Perhaps I won't be scarring the kids for life - heck, maybe they'll barely notice - but either way I hope that I am at the very least showing them what it means to take the once-in-a-lifetime opportunities that are presented to you and finding a way to make it happen.

Now, I have to get back to creating my family notebook for my mom. (She's going to be staying here off and on while I'm gone.) As I've been typing it I almost think it would a nice thing to have around all the time - contact info, medical stuff, dog care, kids chores, their schedules - but I hope that it helps her.

I know that I will be reachable by phone. And I hope to be able to Skype with them every night. And, we even are taking the opportunity to fly them out to see me for a week. But I still won't be here at home.

Holiday Baking...DONE!

I woke up this morning with a list. Ok, this is not abnormal for me. I'm a lister - I make lists for everything! I rarely remember to look at them but I think it helps me remember when I write it down. And so this morning I woke up with my daily to-do wish list. Of course, like usual, it had far too much on it and there was no possible way for me to do it all. Maybe I should start putting just one thing on my list at a time; one achievable goal that I will actually get to and finish and thus give myself a feeling of accomplishment. Yeah, I don't see that happening.

Today, along with finalizing my Christmas shopping, grocery shopping, playing games with my kids, doing the chicken chores, making dinner, and doing laundry, I finished my holiday baking. Yes it is done. And tonight the ending was much happier - Diesel is currently sleeping peacefully on his bed in front of the heater.

Here's what I made today....

Cream Cheese Mints

The stars are now decorated

As well as: Pretzel Turtles (thank you very much Andrea Duffy), Rocky Road fudge, and dozens and dozens and dozens of those yummy little peanut butter balls that everyone loves so much!

It's 11:15pm. I just got finished folding 5 loads of laundry. I sat and had a cup of tea and a piece of my homemade biscotti. I'm writing my daily confessional. I'm tired. But I'm going to my Aunt Peggy's tomorrow for a Christmas gathering and so I must continue folding, getting the kids stuff packed and vacuuming. Yes, I vacuum at midnight. I know, I'm nuts.

Nik