My form of schizophrenia

I do not claim to know what it's like to have schizophrenia. I have studied schizophrenia when I was working on my psychology degree and I understand the way it supposedly works. I can't imagine actually having to deal with the disease every day, all day. I have friends who have ADHD, and others who have children that are diagnosed with it. I've known people who have bipolar disorder and when they were manic it was kind of crazy. Again, I can read what these things can do to a person but I don't REALLY know what it's like.  I do, however, often call what I DO have, which is clinically undiagnosed, my own sort of schizophrenia/ADD/mania.

I don't turn off. My mind is always going. I have a hard time devoting full focus to one thing. As I type this I am watching a TV show, checking my phone and thinking about the information I need to pass on to my replacement at work while I'm gone. I know that "they" say that women are naturally better multi-taskers, but this is ridiculous. When I lay down at night I literally MUST read. It's the only thing that distracts my attention away from the thoughts that spin and swirl through my mind enough to try to induce sleep. When I'm awake, I'm constantly writing lists. Metaphorically it feels like if I write it down on paper I can remove it from my mind. And it does help.....until I start thinking about making lists on how to organize my lists. I have formal lists that I've typed up and I have scraps of paper/napkins/receipts with random things scribbled on them. I'm obsessed with buying cute notepads that are meant for lists - grocery, to-do, to buy, etc. - but I'm just as happy to write a list on the side of a gum wrapper.


I purposely left this blurry. I'm willing to admit my problem, you don't need to see the specifics :)

Seriously, these are just the ones I had laying around right by me that I could quick take a snapshot of. These are everywhere. And now that I have a more demanding job, with much more to keep track of, they've increased exponentially.

I'm writing about this right now because it's been at the forefront of my mind since I've been planning for this long trip I'm taking. I have so much to do; so much to get prepared for. I've created SO many lists. Sleeping has been rough. Reading hasn't been doing to the trick. Even texting myself the stuff on my mind in the middle of the night isn't always working (when I was in college they called this "brain-dumping").

The hubs has no idea what this affliction is like. (And subsequently I have no idea what it's like to get in bed, turn off the light, and fall asleep. Period. Like no time between head hitting the pillow and dreamland. What is up with that?) We talked the other night about what it would be like to be able to spend time in someone else's body - like "Being John Malcovich" - so we could see what it's like to be the other person. I don't know if I'd really want to know. Perhaps it would make me even more jealous?

So I have some form of schizophrenia. Or ADHD. And OCD. I don't know. I guess I will just keep doing what works for me until I get sent to the insane asylum.

Does anyone else share my affliction?