As parents of kids growing up in today's society Brandon and I have been discussing and strategizing how THE talk would go since I found out I was pregnant all those years ago. Like most people, even though we knew we had time (though probably less than when we were kids), we were unsure - and frankly freaked out - about how to explain to our kids how nature causes human beings to behave. We've all had these discussions with our friends - how our parents told us, what our friends told us, the incorrect information we were given from either...or both! We pondered all the questions:
When is the right time to have THE talk?
What do you say?
How much do you tell them?
Do you use visuals?
What if they ask something you find too embarrassing to answer?
How do you prevent them from telling other kids who may not already know?
Will they listen?
Will they heed your advice?
And on. And on. And on.
Lately the clock has been ticking on this conversation for Lilly. She is approaching the age where these things NEED to be explained. Like many parents Brandon and I sort of assumed that we would have these conversations separately - I get the girl, he gets the boy. It only makes sense that she would be more comfortable with me and that I would know about what she will be going through, and vice versa.
A few months ago I attempted to broach the subject with her over a girls day out shopping complete with Starbucks coffee and lunch at the Olive Garden. She was not having any of it. As we casually strolled through the mall I asked her what she knew about when girls get older and the changes that happen to their bodies as well as whether she had any questions or not. Her response was, "MurMur told me a little bit." I started explaining (in a low, muted voice) what puberty is and what effect it has on a girl. Suddenly she stopped short. I turned around and looked at her standing there with an expression of total and utter embarrassment on her face. "Can we PLEASE not talk about this Mom!" She yelled. I agreed and told her that when and if she had any questions she could come talk to me. And that was that.
Until last week....
After dinner one evening the kids and I were in the kitchen. Lilly was emptying the dishwasher and Logan was rinsing and stacking the dishes. I was wiping the counters down. Lilly turned to me and we had this conversation:
"Mom, does it hurt to have a baby?"
"Yes, it does hurt to have a baby."
"How do you know? They cut me and Logan out."
"While that's true, I was in labor for 73 hours with you before they decided to do that."
"Oh. Well, why does it hurt?"
And so I explained that when a baby is fully developed the parts of your body holding the baby begin to start pushing the baby out. Then she wanted to know how it hurt. "You know what it feels like when you have stomach cramps when you're sick?" I asked. "Yeah," she said. "Well, it's like that times a million."
At that moment, without even turning from the sink to look at me, my sweet little son blurts out, "What is sex anyway?" "Yeah," Lilly chimes in, "what is it exactly?" After I readjusted my face back into an expression that was meant to appear calm and normal I asked, "Do you guys really want to know?" They both nodded their heads. "Well, why don't you tell me what you know and we will go from there." To which Logan immediately announces, "I know it has something to do with your penis!"
Oh boy! Guess this is not going to go according to our plans. "Let's wait until your Dad comes downstairs and we'll explain it all to you," I sheepishly stated. And while they were ok with waiting, they went straight to discussing between themselves the things that they thought they knew. Here was their conversation:
Logan: "I think you pee on a girl to get her pregnant."
Lilly: "Ewww. That's gross. No one would do that."
Logan: "Well how does it happen then Lilly?"
Lilly: "I don't know. I think it has something to do with kissing and being naked."
Logan: "Yep, you definitely need to be naked."
Lilly: "Where does the baby come out if you don't get it cut out?"
Logan: "I think girls poop them out."
Mom: "Ok, Ok, Daddy's coming and we will explain how it works. Enough."
And so we had THE Talk. As a family. In the kitchen.
We looked on the Internet at some illustrations that show a week-by-week diagram of what the baby looks like from the inside and how it affects the woman's other organs. Then we talked about the anatomy of a boy and girl, complete with more illustrations from the Internet. Then we talked about puberty and the changes each of them will see in their bodies as they get older. Then the difficult questions started. Our conversation went something like this:
Lilly: (keeping with the absolute biological terms) "Ok, so I get that girls have eggs and boys have sperm but how does one get to the other?"
Daddy: (after coy, giggly looks back and forth from Mommy to Daddy) "Well, the man puts his penis into the woman's vagina."
Lilly: (with a scrunched up face) "Eww, gross. Who would do that?"
Mommy: "Well, when you get older it will be something you will want to do. Nature has built us to desire to have sex so that we continue to procreate. Otherwise humans would become extinct."
Logan: "I am NOT going to do that."
Daddy: "Someday you will want to."
Daddy: (referring to the boy illustration) "No, there is a mechanism built in to determine what fluid is appropriate to be coming out."
Lilly: (also referring to the boy illustration) "But how does it get in there? It's all floppy."
----nervous, giggly looks back and forth from the parents----
Daddy: "Well, when you are ready to have sex it gets harder."
Logan: (without missing a beat) "REALLY?!? I thought that just happened when you had to pee really bad."
Lilly: "So if boys sperm is on the outside of their bodies, why aren't girls eggs?"
Daddy: "Well, sperm are temperamental and can only live at certain temperatures so they have to be able to regulate how hot or cold they are."
Lilly: "Well, how does that happen?"
Daddy: "Well, when it gets cold they huddle up close to your body. And when it's hot outside, or you've been exercising or playing sports, they droop lower away from your body."
Logan: (immediately responding again) "Yeah, like when I'm done with soccer, it's like to my knees!"
Mommy: "No, it's not to your knees."
Logan: "Almost."
Mommy: "I've seen what you've got, it's not to your knees."
Logan: "Still. Almost."
Lilly: "Can we be done talking about this now?"
Mommy: "Yes, unless you have any other questions?"
Logan: "I have one. Why when you're having sex do you have to make all those noises?"
---Parents exchanging nervous, embarrassed looks across the counter---
Mommy: "Well, we told you. It feels good. It's like taking a bite of the best desert you've ever had and sighing."
Logan: (with a disbelieving look on his face) "That's weird."
That was the last of their questions. We went on to explain to them that each and every family has a different philosophy as to when and how and what they would tell their children and that they did not have the right to tell anybody they knew what we had talked about. We have a rule at dinner time that whatever gets said at the dining room table will not be shared with anyone but the four of us. We reiterated that rule a bit more forcefully with this conversation. We also told them that we had told them exactly how it works. That we didn't sugarcoat or lie to them in any way and that they should feel free to come to us if they hear conflicting information or they have more questions. We stressed to them that it is important that they have accurate information when it comes to this stuff and that no matter what the question we will answer it truthfully.
And so we were done. That night when Brandon and I went to bed we giggled about some of the expressions the kids had on their faces when we explained some things. We laughed about our own reactions. I would've paid someone to have videotaped it - it was hilarious. But we weren't shy about telling them that some of this stuff can be embarrassing, even for adults to talk about. We wanted to be sure that they knew that all of it - the wondering, the questions, the embarrassment, the silliness of it - was all normal.
Best laid plans, right? In the end it wasn't exactly the way we had planned to have The Talk, but in my opinion it worked out a hundred times better.
