Go Pick a Switch

I really hate disciplining my kids. I really don't like having to think about what the appropriate discipline is. I don't like to see them cry and be upset. I don't like having to deal with them during their grounded time. And I feel like I end up as much grounded as them, and maybe even more.

Growing up I didn't get disciplined much. But then I didn't really do a whole lot to be disciplined for. I remember my mom threatening sometimes. When I was little that meant pulling the string with the attached ball off of those cheap paddle ball toys. But I don't ever remember being spanked. The most clear recollections I have was when I was a teenager and I would lose phone privileges (that's landline phone, with a cord, for those of you who don't remember...). Oh, and that one time, when I was 11 and I shoplifted something from a store. I was grounded for a year. Yep, you read that right: a YEAR.

Now that I have kids of my own, I have expectations. And I think I clearly communicate those expectations. And I don't think they're unfair. And I do expect that they will be met. My wish, if I got those, would be that I would never have to discipline them at all. That they would understand why I set the expectations that I do, and that they would follow my rules.

Do I think that's realistic? No. But we're talking about wishes here people.

I think one of the parts of trying to create decent human beings that I struggle with the most is the appropriate punishment for the crime. I've known people who have gotten all kinds of different punishments. My dad would tell stories of he and his brothers lying over his parent's bed waiting for the belt. I had a friend that, when his kids would act up, he would recall his own childhood, "Go pick a switch. And it better be a good one or it will be worse," his Momma would say. And then I had friends that could get away with murder, and consequently let their children do the same.

So what punishment do you pick?

When the kids were little, Brandon and I would send them to their rooms so that we could calm down, and collectively decide on a punishment. We were die hard in our efforts to be consistent and to present a united front. Today is no different (well, sometimes we yell. Sometimes, when your kid has made such a stupid mistake that you are completely flabbergasted, you yell. You might yell something at her like, "What the fuck were you thinking!?!?!" And then walk to the other room to cry.) even though we are co-parenting in different households now.

Ultimately, even if there was some yelling, we try to sit down and have an honest dialogue. We try to help the kids see our point of view. To help them understand where we are coming from. Maybe why we were so mad. And we always, always tell them that we love them. And we care about them. And that we worry about them. And we just want the best for them.

Some people might be shocked to have witnessed our most recent conversations regarding discipline. Sitting at the dining room table are me, Brandon, Mike and Lilly. Because we are mature adults. And all of us have a stake in this. And all of us have an interest in seeing the kids succeed.

We turned it over to her. We asked her what she thought we needed to do to help her be successful in making good decisions, and improving her judgement. We brainstormed ideas of goals - each of our goals FOR her, and her goals for herself - over the next three years. We talked about how, if those goals are important, then every decision, no matter how critical or insignificant, should be run through a quick question: does the decision I think I'm going to make get me closer to my goals? If the answer is no, then it's not the right decision.

This isn't a concept reserved exclusively for kids. I don't know many adults that wouldn't benefit from applying this same process to their own lives - mine included.  The point is, discipline for the sake of discipline is rarely effective. I should know. A generous portion of my time is spent with "big" kids, who have found themselves in a situation as a result of poor decision making, where I am battling with their employer over the appropriate level of discipline. The thing is, when you simply punish a person (kid or adult), a smack on the ass or a couple days off work, won't fix the problem. It takes a comprehensive review of the root cause of the poor decision in the first place, and a discussion WITH the person's input, to develop a plan to grow and change so that they don't end up in the same position again.

There is no perfect disciplinary recipe book. If there is, I've never seen it. Like the rest of parenting, we'll just continue to stumble through, screwing them up in our own particular way.